Gettin’ By With A Little Help From My Friends – Or Maybe Not

The pandemic showed us just how fragile friendships can be. It strengthened some, destroyed some, or brought others to a breaking point. As a result, we’re all far more conscious of what it takes to maintain a friendship – or the reasons to draw one to a close.

In a recent piece in UK’s Stylist, Shahed Ezaydi faced an unwelcome conclusion: she’d failed to put in the effort required to be a good friend.

“I’ve let messages go unread and replies unsent for weeks on end. I’ve forgotten to send housewarming cards when friends have bought their first home or have moved in with their partners. I’ve forgotten to properly congratulate friends on new jobs, only remembering to slide it into conversation well past their start dates. I’ve bailed on some birthdays due to tiredness, lack of motivation, or working on my book – something I wouldn’t have done in the past.”

I know we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Like Ezaydi, we’ve felt the guilt surrounding an unanswered email, or text, or voicemail. Our uneasy feelings remind us that friendship takes two.

We get back what we put into any relationship.

Until we don’t.

Some friendships die – or are murdered.

Kemi Alemoru of The Guardian (UK) has compiled a devastating list of 11 habits that can torque friendships beyond repair.

Alemoru’s list begins with “You’re always having a laugh.” This is England, mind you, where joking, flippancy, and sarcasm form part of the national character. Alemoru’s point is still worth taking: sincerity and kindness are vital to the health of a friendship.

Habit Number 1 is followed by: “You only make exciting plans.” High-end activities such as shopping and dining out can tax one’s financial, physical, and emotional resources and make friendship feel like work. Not every meeting has to be “important.” Smaller scale activities can be just as – or even more – fulfilling.

The rest of Alemoru’s list is rife with such astute observation and advice, ranging from “You’re trying to save them” – when you force advice on friends, you can make them feel stifled, pressured, and judgmental – to “You know each other so well that you feel you don’t have to explain yourself” – when you automatically assume your thoughts and motives are understood and need no explanation.

These habits can severely damage or even ruin friendships, but don’t forget: Habits can be broken and replaced with healthier habits.

Sometimes the only conclusion one can draw is that it’s time to let the sun set on this friendship. No one likes losing a friend; no one likes being dropped. How do we know when it might just be time to strap on a parachute and bail out of a troubled relationship? Roxy Zarrabi of the venerable Psychology Today provides “9 Signs That It’s Time to End a Friendship.”

They include:

1. Your core values differ and it’s noticeable enough that you have grown apart and don’t feel that you have much in common anymore. 

2. You are the only one making an effort to maintain the friendship. 

3. You typically feel drained after spending time with them. 

4. When you ask yourself why you’re maintaining this friendship, you can’t come up with a reason why. 

5. They don’t respect your boundaries. 

6. You have started hiding things from them due to fear of judgment. 

7. You don’t feel good about yourself in their presence. 

8. They’re a fair-weather friend. 

9. You often feel that the friendship is competitive. 

Zarrabi admits it’s not easy bringing a friendship to a close, but knows that sometimes it’s the sanest and healthiest response to a painful and potentially destructive situation.

Friendships sustain us through thick and thin. The only rule to finding – and keeping – a good friend is simply stated: Be a good friend yourself.

Since we’re on the subject…

Call, write, or visit someone you haven’t seen for a while. I guarantee they’ll be pleased to hear from an old and precious friend. Wouldn’t you be?